Battle of the Commercials
(The usual opening shot of the explosion occurs, but the NC is revealed wielding not a gun, but a remote control. Through the hole made by the explosion, it is revealed that instead of his usual wardrobe, the NC is wearing his "I Donut Donuts" shirt. The title music begins all the while, but with the push of a button on his control, the music stops abruptly, after which, the NC pushes the holed screen away.) NC: (the caption "WHO" appears in green) Nostalgia Critic. (the caption "WHAT" appears, also in green) Reviewing commercials. (the caption "TITLE" appears, once more in green) Like you give a shit. COMMERCIALS!!! (Once again, as in the past, we are treated to the same old opening sequence: the "After These Messages" bumpers from ABC.) Three Clay Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant: (sings) After these messages... Clay Cowboy: (sings) After these messages... Clay Dog: (sings) After these messages... (The title "Like You Give a Shit" is shown.) Three Clay Singers: (audio) ...we'll be right back! Spider-Man for the Atari 2600 (TV static transition to: '''Spider-Man Atari 2600 game' commercial)'' (The Green Goblin jumps on the roof of a building, holding a lit bomb and cackling) NC: Uh-oh, what's the Green Goblin up to now? (Goblin looks toward Spider-Man, who is playing a Spider-Man game on the Atari 2600) Oh no, he's forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game! NC: (looking around shiftily) Actually, that is kind of evil. Green Goblin: Watch yourself fall (?) slinger! NC (vo): This is an enjoyably goofy commercial, but what really sells it is the guy playing the Goblin. Green Goblin: Try to get a better time, Spider-Man! (cackles) NC (vo): I think his dentist put meth in his laughing gas. Green Goblin: (cackles) If I don't get you, webhead, my (?) will! Spider-Man: Holy Hannah! NC: (amused) I love this guy! NC (vo): (as the Goblin goes crazy just before leaping down) He can't even leave the frame without going nuts! Green Goblin: (dropping off building) Whoo-hoo-hoo! (The Goblin is shown leaping up again and squatting down, revealing his groin, which an arrow points out) NC (vo): Stop presenting! Show some dignity when you're in that costume! Spider-Man: Holy Hannah! Green Goblin: And you're running out of fluid! Federal Express Air Cargo Playset Frosted Flakes Simon Burger King Kids Club Oreo Cookies Game Boy Eggo Waffles Care Bears McDonald's Mac Tonight My Interactive Pooh Federal Equal Pay Law PSA with '60s Batman North American House Hippo Canada PSA (TV static transition to: '''North American House Hippo Canada PSA')'' NC (vo): Here's another PSA from... (The caption "Canada" is shown) Canada? Oh, no. NC: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! (Puts on a soldier's helmet and brings out a large machine gun, aiming it at the camera) I've been fooled by your PSAs before, Canada! You always try to make them so friendly and nice, but then there's rape whistles and face burnings and putting things in your mouth! Well, I'm ready for you this time, Canada. Do your worst! (The commercial shows an empty house in the middle of the night) Narrator: It's nighttime in a kitchen just like yours. NC: (aiming his gun) Uh-huh. Narrator: All is quiet. (A cat is shown) Or is it? (A tiny hippo is shown walking into the house) NC: Blah-blah-blah. What the shit was that?! Narrator: The North American house hippo is found throughout Canada in the Eastern United States. (A map is shown describing that fact) (NC, his gun still aimed, rolls his eyes in confusion) NC: What? Narrator: House hippos are very timid creatures and they're rarely seen. (The cat notices the tiny hippo) But they will defend their territory for the vote. (The hippo is shown bathing inside the cat's dish of milk) They come out at night to search for food, water and materials for their nests. NC: What? They're-they're-they're-they're-they're...they eat children or something! (Aims his gun again) (The hippo is shown eating several foods) Narrator: The favorite foods of the house hippo are chips, raisins, and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast. NC: (cocking his gun) I'm not falling for your cuteness, Canada! (Aims his gun again) Where are you going with this?! Narrator: They build their nests in bedroom closets, using lost mittens, drier lint, and bits of string. NC: And then they...flamethrower your family? Don't smoke? Narrator: House hippos sleep over 60 hours a day. (The screen fades to black, then shows the hippo taking care of a baby hippo. We then immediately see that scene on a television set) Female announcer: That looked really...real. But you knew it couldn't be true, didn't you? That's why it's good to think about what you're watching on TV and ask questions, kind of like you just did. (The Concerned Children's Advertiser's logo is shown on the television) A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers. (NC is surprised and confused at the same time) NC: Well, that was...nice. Downright adorable. (Footage of the previous Canada PSAs are shown as NC speaks) NC (vo): So, let me get this straight, Canada: You start off your dark, disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent, and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing? NC: What are you, Canada? You're like a riddle inside an enigma inside a "please and thank you". (Footage of the hippo PSA is shown again) NC (vo): Okay. Cool. The house hippo. Don't believe anything you see. Fair enough. A cute, harmless, even educational PSA. Good for you, Canada. NC: I will not have nightmares tonight. (Takes his helmet off and puts away his gun) Okay. We good, Canada. We good. Thank you for that enlightening, very pleasant PSA. Well, on to the next one. Electricity Football PSA (TV static transitions to: '''the Electricity Football PSA from Britain')'' NC (vo): Okay, so here's one from Britain called "Electricity Football". NC: Oh, cool. I always wondered what their version of electric football was like. (an image of a game of electric football is briefly displayed in the corner) (Three boys are looking at a restricted area, filled with various electric generators and warning signs. One boy, named George, sees a football in the area) George: Look! Over there, there's a football! (sees a copper-colored ball) NC (vo): Oh, it's that kind of football. NC: That's fine. (an image of a World Cup game appears in the corner) I'm still curious to see how kids play that. (Another boy, Darren, begins to go through the fence into the area) Boy #3: Hang on, mate. This place is electrified. Darren: It's all right if I don't touch anything. (Darren goes into the area, ignoring what Boy #3 said, as George begins to go through the fence as well. NC becomes confused) NC: Not... seeing any plug or boards... (Darren runs through the area and begins climbing up to the spot where the football is) NC: Was this a Parker Brothers game? (After reaching the spot where the football is, Darren grabs the ball and throws it, but the ball ends up hitting a generator, causing it to release a shock that electrocutes Darren as he falls to the ground, dead. NC becomes freaked out) NC: (screaming) OHH, JESUS! NC (vo): OH, GOOD LORD! NC: OH, SWEET HEAVENLY GOD, NO! George: Darren! (George immediately runs into the area towards Darren) NC: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!... (NC repeats those words in fast-motion as the commercial continues, until George reaches Darren's body) George: Darren! (George attempts to reach down to Darren's body, but unknown to him, his left hand is about to touch an electric generator next to him) Boy #3: No, George! (Too late; George accidentally touches the generator, electrocuting him and killing him off-screen. NC, extremely freaked out by all of this, lets out four long high-pitched, almost girlish screams. The commercial shows a wide shot of the electric area as the smoke from the electrocutions rises into the sky. The commercial's message is then shown with captions) Announcer: Stay safe. Stay out. Don't take a chance with electricity. NC: (sits there stunned, then cries out:) I'M AFRAID OF BRITAIN NOW! YOU'RE NEW CANADA! YOU'RE NEW CANADA! Announcer: Stay out. NC (vo): OH, TRUST ME! I WILL! YOU ELECTROCUTE KIDS LIKE BUG ZAPPERS! NC: YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, BRITAIN! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR TERRY GILLIAM, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK!! (The boys getting electrocuted is shown again, causing NC to scream again and change the channel) Starburst Berries 'n' Creme Little Baby's Ice Cream (TV static transitions to: '''Little Baby's Ice Cream' commercial)'' (The commercial shows a humanoid ice cream creature looking at the camera while disturbing music appears and staring at the NC, who looks quite shocked) Humanoid ice cream creature (voiceover): There's good reason for my glistening skin. (eats its own head with a plastic spoon) And how my pours are so clean, clear. (NC still looks shocked and terrified) I eat Little Baby's Ice Cream. It keeps me young. It keeps me light on my feet. I spring from activity to activity. When you eat Little Baby's Ice Cream, you’ll wink and nod with great enthusiasm. Ice cream is a feeling. (Little Baby's Ice Cream logo appears) (NC sits there frozen, until a second NC, who is the real one (the other was just a cutout), grabs it and throws it out) NC: Okay, okay, yeah. I apologize, that version of me has expired. He... simply had nothing more to give. He tried. He tried very, very hard to look inside himself to find something, anything that he could offer. But, in the end, you just took too much from him, world. You just took too much from him. He will be missed. A moment of silence, if you will. (NC looks down at the bottom of the screen, where the words "Myself: 1981-2016" appears, while tragic music plays in the background. He then looks to the camera) NC: Me, on the other hand, WHAT THE HELL?! (Commercial plays again) NC (vo): This is the freakiest thing I have ever seen! This is for something called "Little Baby's Ice Cream?!" It would scare the piss out of any little babies watching it! It's so terrifying, I'm not even convinced it's made for little babies! I think it's made out of little babies! NC: Don't believe me?! Watch it again and just take out the ice cream part! Tell me if it just makes a little too much sense! (Commercial plays again with even more disturbing music playing in the background) Humanoid ice cream creature (voiced by Jim Jarosz): I eat little babies. It keeps me young. It keeps my light on my feet. When you eat little babies, you'll wink, and nod. This is a special time. Little babies is a feeling. NC: (looking up, shaking his arms) Little Baby's Ice Cream is people! See Also *Commercial Special *Return of the Nostalgic Commercials *Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials *Dawn of the Commercials *Rise of the Commercials *Conquest of the Commercials Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Commercials Category:Articles that need improvement